Three things to remember

  1. It was “Emergency – Ward 10”, not “Emergency Ward – 10”
  2. Janice “Oi’ll give it foive” Nicholls was on ABC’s Thank Your Lucky Stars, not the BBC’s Jukebox Jury.
  3. Episodes of The Benny Hill Show ended with enraged women chasing him, not him chasing buxom women.

If you can remember those three points, you can bluff your way through most conversations in future.

The spoils system

“I’ve got a box here,” she said, “filled with gadgets and stuff that he must have bought. Could you look through it for us?”

Yes, Betty, I’m happy to, I lied.

She held the box close and took each item out of it one at a time.

“What’s this?” she asked.

An early digital camera.

“Is it worth anything?”

Nah. It might get £2 or £3 on eBay, but it’s very old by, you know, technology standards.

“Oh. Do you want it?”

No thank you.

She plucked another item from the box. “What’s this?”

A brand new, unused Apple iPhone 3G.

“Oh. Is it worth anything?”

Oh yes, a couple of hundred pounds.

She placed it carefully on the sideboard and reach back into the box.

“What’s this?”

A 32mb USB hard drive.

“Oh, is it worth anything?”

No, you get better ones free in Christmas Crackers these days.

“Oh. Do you want it?”

No thank you.

She reaches into the box again. “What’s this?”

A brand new Blackberry.

“Oh, is it worth anything?”

About £600, I think.

She places it on the sideboard and reaches into the box again. “What’s this?”

An scientific calculator. Bit of a museum piece.

“Oh, is it worth anything?”

Oh no, not these days.

“Oh. Do you want it?”

No, I’m alright thanks.

This continued for a very long time. For the record, Betty, I didn’t want the expensive stuff either.