Technical "support"

I’ve posted this elsewhere, but I’m remarkably proud of myself for it, so thought it may as well go here too, even though it’s not big and it’s not clever.

[phone rings – international, out of area]

Me: Hello?

“Okay, this is Amjit from your computer support hosting company. We’re receiving hundreds of reports from your computer that your system is running slowly.”

Yes, you’re right – it is running slowly!

“Okay, well I can help you with that. Would you like me to sort that for you now?”

Oh, yes please!

“Okay, I will just put you through to our expert computer experts from your computer support hosting company and they will show you how to find the problem, which is hundreds of extra, unwanted files that are causing all of these errors.”

Great! Thank you!

[Time passes. Click!]

“Okay, my name is Albert from your computer support hosting company. I am understanding that your computer is running slowly, yes?”

Yes, very!

“Okay, I will show you how to find the problem, which is hundreds of extra, unwanted files that are causing all of these errors. Would you like me to do that?”

Yes please! It really is very slow today. [It was, I was watching CSI:NY online via, er, not very legal methods]

“Okay, is your computer switched on if not ask them to switch it on.”

It’s switched on, yes.

“Okay, first you need to look at the bottom left of the keyboard. Can you see a key marked C T R L?”

Yes.

“Okay, now can you press the Windows logo key next to it?”

I don’t see that key.

“Okay, can you press the key with the picture of a flag on it?”

I can’t see that key either.

[puzzled sounds] “Okay, can you say to me what key is next to the C T R L key?”

The alt key.

“Okay, between the C T R L key and the alt key is the Windows key. Please press that.”

There’s no key between the control key and the alt key.

“Okay, if you look very carefully, sir, there is a key between the C T R L key and the alt key. Please press that.”

There’s no key between the control key and the alt key… because I’m using an Apple fucking Mac, you stupid scamming bastard!

“Ah, you piece of shit, you scum, I’ll come and be killing you I will!”

Ha ha ha ha HA! [I hang up]

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2 comments

  1. I’m currently using a ‘hackintosh’ netbook where the keys labelled ‘Alt’/’Alt Gr’ are genuinely used as the command keys. Wonder what ‘support’ would have made of that?

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